Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate...

... chocolate, chocolate... The litany in her mind didn't die down. Desperate, she weaved through the crowds, looking for any sign, any place that carried what she so badly needed.
A convenience store up ahead. Perfect. The neon light pronounced it open to the masses.
But you cannot spend any money. Vous n'en avez pas! A smaller voice inside her head screeched. But some money was still left in her university card.
Abruptly, she turned around, oblivious to the confused looks many in the crowd gave her.
Restaurants. Just restaurants. All of them. Don't need food! Only chocolate.
An ice cream stand up ahead. Briefly considering, she shook her head. No. No cold foods. Not at this time of the month.
Minutes passed as she looked around. Nothing!... chocolate, need chocolate, chocolate, chocolate...
Increasingly frantic by the second, she left the building. Halls opened up through another door on the right. People passing flyers and crowds gathered around stands. Not what she needed.
More doors. More hallways. More people.
She almost missed it. There in the lone corner of the entrance stood a vending machine. A glow seemed to be cast from it, almost like a halo. Yes!
Digging out her card, she pressed the buttons, and then... bliss.
Finally.
The recitation in her mind grew quiet, calm once more.

I imagine I'm running from zombies...

... whenever I go on a run. It really keeps me motivated. :D
And not the slow zombies, like on resident evil. The fast ones, like on 28 days later. Those are scary as fuck. I would not last an hour in that world. Although resident evil also has its really scary zombies. Like lickers. Those are just really creepy. And don't get me started on the tyrants, lol.
So, yeah. I've been working out more often lately, and, lemme tell you, it's hard as hell. I feel hungry and tired all the time. I remember I used to be able to go hours without eating anything more than a light snack. And now it's like my stomach is always screaming at me. Sigh. And I have no money, so now I have to, God forbid, learn how to cook. This coming from the girl who burnt toast so many times that she had to buy a whole new loaf.

Je n'ai pas d'argent...

Seriously. I'm sooo broke right now. I am seriously never getting another cat until I'm fucking rich.
And I'm starving. There's really nothing at home (okay, I have no idea how to cook, and, by the time I'm hungry enough, looking up recipes just takes too fucking long).
There's this voice in my head that keeps telling me, it's only one time. What harm can it do?
And there's another voice that keeps saying, No, don't do it. You'll only regret it. Remember, vous n'avez pas d'argent. Yeah, it starts talking in french. I dunno why.
I'm sooo huuunnngggrrryyyy....
Fuck it.
I'm ordering mcdonald's.

It's back to school again

I know a lot of you are like, "Ugh! Not another BtS post!"
Seriously. I've heard it all. In my head. :P

But, yeah. School's a really complicated subject for me right now. I know you're all thinking, "Oh great, she fucked herself over again." And you wouldn't be altogether wrong.
Basically, what happened was that I messed up and got a lot of bad grades last year (and one in the summer). So much so that I had to switch programs. Only, procrastinating and avoiding me didn't do this until August. Just when I realized that switching programs take a shitload of time to be processed. Which meant that I might not go back in September.
Actually, the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. I have a massive credit card bill to pay due to my cat being sick and having to go to the vet, and I could work full-time until January to pay it off. Only one thing blocked me. A full-year course that I needed for basically every second-year course in my program.
But, fortunately, it turns out the program change happened fast, so now I can take courses in September. Or not.
They're all really full. And I'm refreshing like every five minutes to get into at least that full-year course. Which is really full too.
And I can't apply for government funding until I have all my courses, unless I want to get a lot less than I really need. So I'm basically screwed.
I guess I'll just keep refreshing until I get in.
Sigh.
I really hate school. There was a time I loved it, but now, due to my bad habits, and administrative lag (seriously, it's not the 19th century anymore!), I'm really starting to dislike it.

So my sister just got a job...

Basically, what happened was that my manager asked me if anyone I knew was looking for a job, and I told him about my sister.
You know, sometimes I think I really shouldn't have.

She's just... She's the youngest in our family, and a bit spoiled about money (less so now, but still). For me, my job is the most important thing to me, second only to school. Maybe because I was raised to believe that money, independence, and the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want go hand in hand. Rescheduling or skipping work and training is such an anathema to me that I cannot in any way understand why she would want to do that.
She's a bit spiritual, and she wants to reschedule her training next week to go on a week-long trip to this spiritual get-together/party/whatever-the-fuck-I-don't-even-know. I guess you can tell I'm agnostic only in the most scientific sense. I don't believe in God, or religion or anything like that. I do believe there is something greater than us out there, but it probably isn't interested in us in anything less than for studying and experimenting. But who the fuck knows? Or cares? Smh.

I just wish that she had gotten a job on her own, so if she quit, or rescheduled all the time, I wouldn't be involved in it, and my manager wouldn't look to me for answers.

Money... It always leaves as fast as it comes.

So I just slept for 24 hours straight...

Yup. I'm thinking of setting a new record.
Basically, what happened was, I had a test yesterday. And I hadn't studied whatsoever. Literally, I had no idea what was going on.
So I stayed up the entire night yesterday. Nope, not studying. Convincing myself to study. Needless to say, I wasted a lot of time I could have been sleeping.
And there I was, having no idea what was on the test, and with my brain fried from a distinct lack of sleep. I guess you can tell what happened.
This is what happens when I'm stressed, but avoiding and procrastinating.
Sigh. I really need to stop.

I KNOW Me

Better than you know me.

Sigh. I'm just fucking tired of people telling me what to do with my life, my health, and my appearance. Yeah, I get it. I'm unfit. I look ten years older than I really am due to lack of sleep. I rarely put on makeup when I go outside. I eat junk food at least once every few days.
I ALREADY KNOW THAT!
You think I'm doing this in my sleep or something? I KNOW what the fuck I'm doing with my life. So don't fucking tell me what I should be doing with it. I know what I should do.
Honestly. Arrogant assholes who act as if their advice is from God or something should fucking listen to their own advice.
You know what? MAYBE, maybe I'll listen to you when you stop acting like a fucking hypocrite.
Or maybe not. Whatever.
The point is, I know I'm fucking myself over. I don't need you to tell me.
And I'll fix it myself. My own way.